The ‘Fun’ in ‘Funeral’

I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately. And not in the typical “I’m a 17-year-old emo kid trapped in a 30-year-old man’s body” sort of way. We’re all going to die someday, which is both scary and relieving. My biggest beef with death isn’t the idea of someday leaving my loved ones behind; it’s […]

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Idiots and Idioms

There are quite a few idioms that force a listener to pause and wonder: “Where the hell did that saying come from?” Surely you’ve heard a few of these: “The lights are on, but nobody’s home!” “Sure…when pigs fly!” “Put a sock in it!” These are each pretty strange. The first one seems a bit […]

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High and Dry

The walls are talking to me. I’m sitting at my kitchen table, alone. It’s been my daily habit for almost a solid month—wake up, make coffee, sit at my kitchen table for an eight-hour workday, shower, go back to my table for four hours of typing, drink more coffee, go back to my table for […]

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Day 10 (10 GDoC)

I hope you all had a merry Christmas. I know how stressful it can  be, gathering your loved ones under the guise of holiday love and positioning them perfectly around the tree so that your mass sacrifice to Ba’al goes off without a hitch. Hopefully you remembered to set out plenty of fake presents to […]

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Day Nine (10GDoC)

Happy Christmas Eve! Remember to leave booze and tacos out for Santa tonight.   “I Saw Mommy Killed By Santa Claus” (To the tune of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”) I saw Mommy killed by Santa Claus, Her muffled screams were filled with horrid fright. His knife was thrusting deep as she was slaughtered […]

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Day Eight (10GDoC)

Which do you prefer, spiked eggnog or piked heads? Two days ’til Christmas. Nine days ’til 2020. 313 days til Halloween. Enjoy 🙂   “Lone Survivor Boy” (To the tune of “Little Drummer Boy”) “Don’t scream,” they said to me, pa rum pum pum pum. My eyes they forced to see, pa rum pum pum […]

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Day Seven (10GDoC)

As if endless Hallmark Christmas Specials weren’t enough to drive you insane, I’m sure you’ve been inundated with Mariah Carey’s “hit” Christmas song. Personally, I think my version is better. Too bad Walmart won’t play it over their speakers on loop…   “All I Bring for Christmas (is Doom)” (To the tune of “All I […]

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Day Six (10GDoC)

“Dark Visions of The Lord Aeglus” (To the tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” I’m screaming through the night of Aeglus, The fiery lord from down below. With his thousand eyes glaring and teeth made for tearing, He’ll bring carnage in the snow. Stop fleeing from our Lord Aeglus, Herald of The One […]

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Day Five (10GDoC)

“Cutting a corpse into into several pieces is a good way to make one gift look like several gifts! It’s a good thing.” – Martha Stewart I’m almost finished with my Christmas shopping. Also, the apartment above mine is suddenly vacant. That’s not decay you smell from under the wrapping paper; it’s Christmas spirit 🙂 […]

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